No More Figurative Rain, Please

You know the saying, "When it rains, it pours?" Well, over the past four years I have gotten to know this saying very well, especially this semester. Like most people, I have experienced some pretty hard times before, and have lost some wonderful people in my life. Although I am familiar with heartbreak and death, it still never gets any easier.

Since 2007, when I decided to go to college, I have had endless trials and stress come my way. With love and support of friends and family I have managed to get through thus far. However, this semester has been one of the most trying that I have yet to experience. I have struggled with my health and with balancing motherhood and marriage on top of maintaining my GPA. Although I have had some rough times, this week has topped them all.

Monday afternoon, after discovering that it is quite likely that I could graduate this May afterall, my world was rocked with the dramatic news that my brother is really sick. At first his doctor was convinced it was appendicitis and a CT scan showed that he also had a serious infection that needed to be taken care of immediately. After three hours in surgery, my family started to realize that this wasn't your usual case of appendicitis. The surgeon informed my parents that what he was dealing with was not appendicitis at all. There was a large growth wrapped around my brother's appendix that had also attached itself to his back muscles and colon. The surgeon and his team had tried to remove the growth, but because it was also attached to a major artery, he could only remove so much.

The surgeon then informed my parents and my brother's wife that it was possible that this growth was cancerous, but he was not sure since he had never seen something like this before. The pathologist had taken several slides of the growth and it was being sent across the country for opinions from the surgeon's colleauges. In addition to this, it was also discovered that Aaron, my brother, also had a tumor on one of his kidneys.

We were all stunned. My brother is 31 years-old, and this was the last thing any of has had expected when they wheeled him into the operating room. Of course, the doctor said this was just the worst case scenario, but hearing those words would bring anyone to their knees.

My mom has spent this week being the main support for our family. My sister-in-law has been understandably hysterical through this whole event and has not been able to take care of their two kids, ages 2 and 7. My husband and I have been taking care of the kids in addition to our 1 year-old. Tuesday was the worst day for me because I was not able to go up to the hospital because children are not allowed in ICU, so I was stuck at home with Owen and my imagination, which usually gets me into trouble emotionally. My mom was busy at the hospital and informing the rest of the family about the situation, so I was not informed of the latest details until later that night. By then, I had completely lost my composure. I had not been able to see my brother and it was causing me to lose my mind.

I finally got to see my brother for a few minutes on Wednesday. He looks pretty good for a guy who just had major surgery. He is on a Demerol drip, so he was not able to stay awake very long. All I could do was stand in the corner of the room and stare at him. My brother has always been the big strong guy who rarely got sick. Seeing him in a hospital bed with a tube coming out of his nose was very shocking for me. I couldn't stop thinking of us as two rowdy kids.

Today the test results of his biopsy came back a day early. Turns out that the growth is thankfully not cancerous. It looks like he might have a severe case of Chron's disease, but we won't know for sure until some further testing can be done. He is still suspectible to other infections so these tests will not be able to be done for another week or so. The doctors do not want to prod around in his body anymore until he is completely healed. Which leads me to the tumor on his kidney. The surgeon believes it is benign, but also due to his infection, it will be a while before a biopsy can be done on that growth.

This week has been such an emotional roller coaster ride for all of us. It has been hard enough, as his sister, to experience the feelings I have been going through, so I cannot imagine what my mom and sister-in-law have been going through. The kids have been taken care of, and they are doing great. My nephew, who is 7, knows something is going on and has been asking a lot of questions. My brother has been moved out of ICU today, so hopefully we can get Bryson up there to see his daddy at some point. I can't stand seeing the worry on his little face.

Hopefully there will be no more surprises this semester. I am really close to running down the street screaming and tearing my hair out. I appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers that everyone has sent my family's way during this trying time. It is impossible to survive through tough times without support.

Puppy

I always knew that raising a child would be hard work, but I never knew exactly how hard it could be at times. It seems to be that the things that seem so trivial are actually the things that are the hardest emotionally. If you had told me years ago that I would be crying over a stuffed animal, I would have laughed in disbelief.

Owen has a stuffed puppy named "Puppy." That dog goes everywhere with him, sleeps with him, comforts him, and entertains him by enduring intensive abuse. Puppy has been swimming in the pool, plunged in the toilet, covered in peanut butter and sticky candy goo, and launced full force out of a crib at high speeds. If I were this toy, I would have ran away a long time ago. However, as mean as he can be to Puppy, Owen loves him dearly. Whenever he is upset, hurt or sleepy, it is Puppy who is always there to comfort him.

The first time Owen grabbed Puppy, nestled him into his arms and rolled over on his tummy to go to sleep, my husband and I looked at each other and said, "Ahhhhh!" It was the sweetest moment we had experienced as parents. Well, one of the many. Seeing your child love someone or something else is a wonderful, human experience. For one thing, it shows that this "sometimes little monster" truly does have feelings.

This past Thursday evening turned out to be a very emotional time for our family. I have been through some very hard times in my life, but this was the first time that I had to experience my child truly suffering, and it was very difficult for me. It may sound silly, since it was over Owen's Puppy, but I realized that when it comes to my child and his emotional well-being, nothing is silly when he is suffering.

That Thursday night, Puppy had the horrible experience of having his face eaten off by one of my mom's dogs. Owen found him and, being confused, starting pulling the stuffing out of his face. My mom, stepdad and I all yelled, knowing the implications of this event. Our shouts caused Owen to cry. I picked up Puppy and his remains as I surveyed the damage. One eye was till intact, and I was able to locate the other, along with part of his nose and most of the stuffing. One of his ears had been ripped in two, and there was a huge gaping hole where his little smiling face once had been. This was not good. I hid the body and parts until my mom could perform surgery.

At dinner, we were all upset about Puppy. We all knew how important he was to Owen, and we wondered how well he would sleep that night. After dinner, as I got Owen ready to go home, we all participated in distracting him so he wouldn't begin asking for Puppy. This worked until I began strapping him into his carseat and he became upset and started fighting with me. "Puppy! Puppy!" My heart sank. "Puppy's at the doctor, honey. He will be back tomorrow," was all I could say. The ride home was excruciating, listening to him call out Puppy's name while he cried all the way home.

When we got home, he looked for Puppy everywhere. Apparently, I keep everything in my purse because he even looked for him in my purse. He ran into his room and looked in his crib, on the rocking chair, on the changing table, under the changing table, everywhere he could think of. I had two stuffed dogs that my mom had given me years ago. I grabbed those hoping that he would accept them for the night, and he did. He smiled and hugged the two toys as he gripped them tightly to him. I thought I had fixed everything and that he would be okay without Puppy.

Although, he accepted these two new dogs, he had not forgotten his true friend. As soon as I went to lay him down in his crib, he immediately remembered that Puppy was gone and he began crying uncontrollably and calling his name. I held Owen closely to me and tried to calm him, but nothing worked. I had never seen him so upset before. I could not console him, and there was nothing left for me to do but to put him in his crib and leave the room. I shut his door and listened to him cry for over thirty minutes for Puppy. It was horrible. I stood on the other side of his door and began to cry. I was not crying for Puppy, but for my son's pain at missing his best friend. Eventually, Owen stopped crying and was able to go to sleep.

My mother, the miracle worker, performed reconstructive surgery on Puppy's face that night, and he made it through. The surgery went wonderfully and, although Puppy now only has one eye, my mom was able to salvage most of his nose, repair the hole and stitch up his split ear. At first she was afraid she would have to do some fur grafting in order to have enough material to patch up the hole, but she was able to mend the wound without having to do so. Despite the trauma, Puppy looks great. That poor dog has been through so much in his little life.

The next morning, when he arrived at my mom's house, Owen was glad to see his Puppy. Immediately, he knew something was different, and he began touching his nose and examining him. At first he rejected his new face, but after a few minutes he ran back and grabbed him up in his little arms and acted as if the night before had not happened.

I am so glad that Puppy's face was able to be saved, and that we are able to get back to normal. Now, my family and I have decided that we have to be more aware of exactly where Puppy is at so that this does not happen again. Friday night, we ate dinner with Puppy on the table right where we could see him. I cannot take another emotional night listening to my child's sobs while I feel helpless.

Of course, I know this will not be the last time that I have to see Owen in pain, but at least this time it was over his beloved ragged Puppy and not some carless girl who has broken his heart. Hopefully I've got a little while before that happens.

No Such Thing as Spare Time

I have been so busy this semester that my couponing hobby has suffered. I have not been able to keep up with my filing, deal searching and clipping and it bothers the heck out of me. I hate knowing that I am missing awesome deals that I may never see again. I have a good stockpile of groceries and toiletries that I accumulated over the summer, so it's not like I really need anything, but it still bothers me that I am not able to keep up with this hobby that I really enjoy.

I'm sure this sounds pretty weird, but I am addicted to saving money. There is nothing better than scoring the latest deal, especially when I can get items for super cheap or free. And there is no better feeling than having a stocked pantry and knowing that my family's basic needs will be taking care of for the next few months without me having to make huge budget-breakage runs to the grocery store.

I can't wait until I graduate, because then I will be able to devote more time to couponing. The heavy homework load I have keeps me from spending much time on deal searching. Couponing may seem silly, but it is actually a rewarding yet time-consuming past time. To get the best savings, it requires hours of work each week searching for coupons, sales, the best deals and matching coupons to those sales. It's actually a lot of work and takes a lot of time that I don't have right now.

This semester I have only been able to coupon occasionally. I am still saving the weekly inserts from the paper, but I am unable to organize them. My inserts are piled all over the kitchen table, in baskets on the kitchen floor and in my car. This unorganization is driving me nuts and it's causing me to miss out on some great deals.

I guess all I can do is hope that I will be able to catch up on some coupon organizing and deal-scoring during the Christmas break. My stockpile will start dwindling soon so I will need to start stocking up again before our supply dwindles.

Oh well. I guess I will just add this to my ever-growing list of things I need to do and things I would like to do. My list doesn't seem to be getting shorter any time soon.

Come on, Christmas Break

It is now November and this semester is close to being over. Where did it go? It seemed like it just started. At this point, I do not personally feel like I've accomplished much. I feel like this semester has been nothing but non-stop butt-kicking work. I cannot wait until the holiday break to spend time with family and get some rest.

The holidays will most likely be spent binge-eating seasonal dishes of sugary goodness with a side of fatty yet delicious heaven. Oh, and I plan on getting a lot of sleep. My goal is to do absolutely nothing during the break so that I can recharge for the spring semester.

Hopefully my family will be on board with this plan, because I'm going to need someone to watch Owen so that I can accomplish all of this fabulous sleep. I guess the better statement would be that I hope Owen is on board with this plan because this "lots of sleep" issue will ultimately be up to him.

My overall goal within the remaining weeks of 2011 is to get out of this semester alive and with good grades, watch my son have a ball at Christmas, visit with family and just be lazy. Even if Owen doesn't let me get much sleep, as long as he will eventually lie down beside me or bounce around on the bed while I'm resting and listening to his infectious laugh, everything will turn out okay. In the big scheme of things, that is all that I need.

Growing Up

I think my husband and I have been trying to ignore the fact that Owen is growing up and getting bigger. Yesterday, I received a startling text message from Adam while I was in class. "Owen climbed out of his crib and woke me up this morning." What?! Oh crap. I was hoping that this day wouldn't come any time soon.

I now have one more thing to worry about. Now I will be thinking about Owen falling out of his crib and coming into our room in the middle of the night, or worse, when we are catching some rest while he is supposed to be napping. This is not a good thing.

And to add to this, we have also gotten Owen his own potty. We are not technically potty training, but we wanted to get him a potty so he could get used to it. He is so fascinated by the big potty that we thought it might be a good idea to get him his own so he can "go" like mommy and daddy. The first time he sat on it, I almost cried, and Adam and I clapped and took pictures. Of course, his pants and diaper were still on, but we were still so proud of him. Owen got a big grin on his face and clapped along with us.

I am just so afraid that I am going to miss things with him because I am always so busy with school. I really wish I could slow things down so I can make sure and have more time with him. The realization that he is now getting out of his crib really took me by surprise today. I forgot that he is almost two years-old, and that he is getting to the age where escaping from his room is possible.

I try to tell myself that once I graduate next fall I will be able to spend more time with him, but I just think about the precious moments I could miss until then. All I can do is try to make more time for him and to really pay attention when I am spending time with him.

I really just wish he would stop growing up so fast, especially because I really enjoy my rest time when he's "napping."

I Love Saving Money

You can call me cheap, frugal, or a penny-pincher; I don't care. I love saving money!

Yes, I am one of those coupon users you will see walking the aisles of grocery stores with a bulging binder, flipping through pages of coupons and scanning the shelves for the latest deals.

In the past year, with the airing of the reality show Extreme Couponing on TLC, the use of coupons has soared in popularity. Even though more people are using coupons, coupon users still have a bad reputation. There is the popular assumption that coupons really don't save you any money, cause frustration to cashiers, and are only available on items that people generally don't need. If you've ever really taken the time to use coupons the right way, you will know that these assumptions are simply myths.

Coupon Myth #1: Coupons do not save you much money.
The Truth: Coupons do save you money if you use them the right way.
The Trick: Collect coupons from Sunday's paper; print them online and hold on to them. Each week, check the sales ads. As soon as there is a good deal on something, pull out your coupons for those items to get an even better price. Also, Check couponing blogs such as TheKrazyCouponLady.com and CouponDivas.com where the work of matching up sales to their corresponding coupons is done for you. The blogs will even tell you which date's newspaper contains the coupons you need for the sale.
Tip: Some grocery stores, such as Albertsons and Brookshires, will double and triple coupons of various denominations (i.e., coupons up to .39 will triple the value; coupons .40-.50 will double the value. Pairing this with a great sale makes for an even better deal.

Coupon Myth #2: Coupons only cause frustration to cashiers.
The Truth: Coupons can be frustrating to cashiers, especially if there is a problem with it scanning.
The Trick: Be courteous and polite to your cashier. I find that a smile and explaining to the cashier up front that you have coupons will help put him/her at ease. If there is a problem with your coupon scanning or with the store's coupon policy, be patient. Most times the cashier will be able to resolve the situation without calling for a manager.
Tip: Know the store's coupon policies. Most stores have their policy online. Print it out and keep it with you at every trip. If there is a problem, you can show the policy to the manager.

Coupon Myth #3: Coupons are only available for items most people do not need.
The Truth: There are coupons available for all kinds of things, even organic items.
The Trick: You can get coupons from many sources, especially online. Look in the Sunday paper, online on sites such as coupons.com, smartsource.com, redplum.com and couponnetwork.com. Even check on the websites of your favorite stores, such as Walmart and Target, to find coupons for items.
Tip: Have a favorite brand? If you are unable to find coupons on the items you use, email or call the manufacturer to see if there are coupons available. Many times, companies love to send out coupons, sometimes even samples, to customers in order to get them to use their products. Also, check Facebook. Lots of companies are now using social media sites to get people interested in their products by offering coupons.

By following these simple tricks, I have saved hundreds of dollars a year on my family's grocery bill. I have even been able to create a stockpile of at least 6 months' worth of tolietries, condiments and frozen meats just from using coupons!

Using coupons is easy for anyone looking to reduce his/her grocery budget! But be careful, saving money is addictive!

The Past

This Saturday, October 15, is my birthday. Besides having dinner with my husband to recognize the occasion, I do not plan on doing anything special. I actually have not had a formal celebration since my 27th birthday, nor do I want one. I am hoping that if I ignore my birthday, it won't come. I am already having a rough time this semester, and it just depresses me that I have one more thing to worry about: getting older. I know that early thirties isn't necessarily old, but I am still wondering where my twenties went.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the past and all the crazy things my friends and I used to do when we were young, single and childless. I would never want to go back to those days because I am happy with who I am now, but I sometimes think back to my former life. I can see myself as a silly young girl wearing a leopard print cowboy hat, glittery black tube top, chugging Coors Light, as I danced with my girlfriends to "Back That Ass Up" until the wee hours of the morning.

However, looking back, I didn't always make the best decisions. I spent most of my time worrying about what outfit I would wear, what would be the best club to go to, and wondering whether I would meet anyone special that night. I was funloving and carefree, but I sometimes found myself in bad situations. Thankfully, I figured things out and have moved passed those days.

Although I sometimes wonder how things went by so quickly, I am happier knowing that I have grown up and left those crazy days behind me. I had a lot of fun then, and I am thankful for the memories I made, but I am glad to be where I am at now. I feel that even though my twenties are behind me, I have learned some valuable lessons that I can apply to my life now and in the future.

Perfection

This weekend I have ignored all school responsibility and spent some much-needed time with my family. Friday evening I went shopping with my mom, and then we went out to each. On Saturday, I spent the entire day with my son, Owen. We went to my nephew's birthday party at a nearby park. I enjoyed watching Owen run around the park as he examined his feet walking across wood chips, stared at the other kids, chased after a dog, and ate birthday cake and Cheetos. That evening I watched a movie while Owen bounced around on the couch and scooted across the room on his truck.

Since this semester started, I have not been able to relax and just simply enjoy watching Owen be a little boy. Although I had a wonderful time with him, I could never get homework off my mind. I felt incredibly guilty for not keeping up with my work. I tried to ignore that nagging voice in my mind and just be with my son, but I could not completely focus on him. I usually like to use the weekends to catch up on homework, but, being a mother, that is not always possible.

However, even though I was beating myself up for not doing my homework, I never worked on any of it. I just let my work sit in my book bag while I laughed and played with Owen the entire day. I don't know if that makes me lazy or if maybe I am coming to terms with the fact that sometimes I have to just be a mother even if that means sacrificing my grades. I am trying to learn that I do not have to be perfect 100 percent of the time.

Although I am still a responsible student, I am learning that it is okay to let my school responsibilities slide a little for the betterment of my family. My son will be two years-old in January, and I do not want to miss a thing. I want to better his life by getting my college degree, but I am not willing to miss the precious moments in his life that go by too fast. I am trying every day to tell myself: "I am not perfect, but that's okay."

Under Pressure

Well, I finally did it; I cracked under the pressure of 16-hours of classes, raising a child, maintaining a marriage and trying to find a little time for myself. I guess the good thing is that I did not spontaneously combust. However, sobbing uncontrollably into my husband's arms while feeling physically and emotionally miserable is not really my idea of a "good thing."

My breakdown was actually my own fault. In addition to having such a heavy load this semester, I have not been eating well or taking care of myself. I rarely work out, and I eat nothing but crap. I have known that I was pushing myself to the limit, but yet I still continued down this unhealthy path. Why do I do these things to myself? Is it possible that I am subconsciously attracted to drama? Or maybe I want to self-destruct so that I will no longer have so much responsibility.

As I told someone last week, I feel as if my mind and body are involved in a no-disqualifications wrestling match with guilt occasionally tagging in. I am struggling with successfully dividing my time between each of my roles, and I feel as if I am suffocating beneath a blanket of stress.

Although I am completely overwhelmed, I know that I am not alone. I am lucky to have a wonderful support system in my family, friends, classmates and professors. Without this support, I would be struggling much more than I am now. I also have a good doctor who is assisting me in getting back on track with my physical health.


I am confident that I am being pretty candid right now. Emotional breakdowns are not things that people normally like to talk about, but I guess everyone feels the squeeze from the pressure of life every now and then. Talking about emotions in public seems to be considered taboo or a social no-no. Maybe if emotions were more accepted by society, especially the emotions of women, there wouldn't be such guilt and shame when life seems to become a little tough to handle. If displaying emotions were more acceptable, perhaps more people would reach out when they are over their heads instead of turning to drastic measures.

So writing this post is my way of speaking up. I am willing to use my voice (via writing skills) to let others know that life is tough and sometimes we fall, but it is okay to cry and to ask for help. We all fall sometimes, even if no one ever talks about it.

It's Back...

Well, it's that time of year again: football season. What do I think about when I hear the words, "football season"? Why, I think of the Dallas Cowboys. I think of my husband sitting on the couch squealing with glee when his team scores a goal, and screaming and ranting in anger when the Cowboys lose or another team does them some horrible wrong.

I personally hate this time of year because of the Cowboys. I love autumn and feeling the temperature drop and watching the leaves fall from the trees. However, I do not enjoy hearing strings of curse words and blaring shouts fly across the house while my husband jumps up and down on the couch screaming at the television. Even worse is when he gets so upset that he shuts off the TV in the middle of the game and leaves the house. It is not uncommon for him to climb into his car and drive around town to let off steam. Sometimes he will even take off walking down the street, after dark, without a coat or a cell phone.

I love my husband, and I generally like him very much, but I do not like the Cowboys fan in him. He is a tortured fan. Any team that he considers "his team" continually upsets him and sends him into a rage. Don't even get me started on his reaction to the Rangers losing the World Series last year.

How can such a loving man turn into such a jerk during one season a year? At least the jerkiness is never toward our son or me. It is always centered on a team who lets him down year after year.

I have never been a sports fan, so maybe that is why I do not understand his behavior. I really just wish he would turn off the damn TV.

Control

This week I rediscovered a bad habit of mine; a deep dark ugly secret that I have been hiding for some time: I am a control freak. When given even a little bit of control over something, I will completely take over. I become this perfectionist monster, enforcing my opinion on those around me. My husband is usually the one who suffers. Poor guy.

Here's an example: Earlier this week, my hubby decided to touch up his resume a bit. It has been a couple of years since we had looked at it, so I thought it needed quite a few changes. Notice I said, "...We had looked at it," and "...I thought." Clearly I have issues with whose resume this really belongs to.

Whenever my husband takes on anything English related, I always feel that I know best, and that he should choose my suggestions over his own. He has his own English degree, and he knows a thing or two about writing, but we always clash when it comes to writing something together. He does ask for my help, but I'm sure he just meant for me to only help. I'm positive he is not asking, "Jill, will you please completely take over the task of re-writing my resume? And while you're at it, will you make me feel like a complete idiot because I don't think of the same words that you do?"

I don't mean to take over things; it's just that I have a passion for writing, especially technical things like letters, reports, resumes, term papers, etc. I think I am a decent technical writer, and I just want to share my skills with the man who shares my bed and is paying for my college education. Is that wrong?

However, when I did walk away and let him have full control over his own project, he actually did a really good job. I was very impressed with his word usuage and the language of his document. After I knew that he was okay without me, I was able to leave him alone and let him write by himself. I really need to do that more often.

The main problem is that my controlling nature is not just evident in all things English; it shows up in other areas of my life too. I still worry about things that went wrong at our wedding over three years ago, but I won't go there.



Hello, my name is Jill, and I am a control freak.

How about a cheesy, cliche song about familial bliss?

Five Years Ago

Five years ago, my nights were filled with bar-hopping, flirting and internet dating. Now my nights are filled with searching for a beloved stuffed animal, bedtime routines, college homework and getting to bed before 11 o'clock.

Five years ago, I was closing down bars; now I am closing down Target and Wal-Mart with last-minute grocery and diaper runs. I clip coupons, research deals, balance bank accounts, and pay bills online. I clean poop off of crib railings and bedroom walls, dole out Flintstones Vitamins and witness sippy cups of milk fly through the air, and splatter on my car windows.

I've been hit in the face with airborne wooden spoons, soaring books, and the freakishly hard head of a 20 month-old who decides to catapult his little body onto my bed.

But five years ago, I did not know the joy of a toothy grin and a gripping hug by a 20-month old, the sound of hearing, "Mamma," through the baby monitor, or seeing a curious face peer out the window at me as I leave for school each day. I did not know the real meaning of the word, "Mother".

Five years ago, I did not know the love and support of a man who tells me every day how beautiful I am, who encourages me when I am drowning in a sea of responsibility, and who always knows when I need a hug or a quick dance twirl.

I did not know the pleasure of excruciating mental work, and succeeding in college. I did not know the excitement of walking across a crowded stage among the blurred faces of my family as I received my Associate's degree; or my elation as I received my acceptance letter from Texas Wesleyan University.

Five years ago, I was one single, selfish broad. Now I am a student, a wife, and a mother. Now I am part of a family.

And now I am one busy broad.