Contemplating Completeness

Well, now I am officially a college graduate. I'm on to my next goal in life, only thing is that I have no idea what that is supposed to be. I'm not planning on going to graduate school; maybe in the future, but not now. I'm also not planning on going straight to work. No, I'm planning on being a stay-at-home mom. Adam and I feel it is important that one of us stay home with Owen and any other children we might have. So now that I'm a stay-at-homer, my next question in life is: What next?

I now feel like I have no direction in life. I felt that way before I decided on college, but now that that goal is complete, I have no idea what I should now be doing with my life. Yes, raising my child is important to me, but I feel like there must be something more out there for me.

I have toyed with the idea of working from home, but it's hard to find a legitimate telecommuting job that's not a scam. There are some article-writing sites out there that I've wrote for in the past, and I'm thinking about doing that just so I can keep up with my writing skills. And once I go back to work, it would look decent on my resume if it looks like I've been keeping busy.

But what else could I do with my free time?

I'm wanting to get back into my couponing. The past two semesters left me with little time to keep up with deal searching and coupon organization. There aren't many DFW deal blogs out there, so that's something I could consider creating and running. There also aren't a lot of couponing workshops this way, so I could always start up a group and maybe teach a few classes.

I'm also big into supporting animal non-profit groups. In the town I live in there has been some despicable things going on at the local animal shelter including unnecessary mass euthanasia and cover-up attempts. I've been wanting to help the organizations that our attempting to make this shelter become a No Kill shelter. I could always offer my writing skills or other talents to volunteer efforts.

But these are just ideas I'm tossing around. I'm still not sure which direction I should turn. I just feel really disconnected from myself right now. School work was something that I could lose myself in. It's important to me to spend time with my family, especially since I felt like I lost a lot of time while in school, but I still want to be true to myself. I still want to feel successful and like I'm here for a purpose.

I guess this is something I will just have to figure out along the way.

New Semester, High Hopes

Well, classes have started for the Spring semester. In just a few shorts months I will finally be a college graduate. Although I am excited to graduate, I am a little sad and scared at the same time. I have been in college since August of 2007, and I'm beginning to feel a little nostalgic about each semester I have experienced. I can't believe all the time that's gone by and that I will soon be finished. This part of my life will soon be over. Will I miss it? I think I will. Or at least some parts of it.

My next role is to be a full-time mommy. I am already a full-time mom to Owen, but I feel like school has caused me to miss a lot during his two years of life. After I graduate, I look forward to spending time just being a mommy and a wife. I plan to eventually return to work, but not for a while. I do not want to miss any more time with my son, so I want to stay home for a while.

Adam and I feel that it is important to have one of us stay home with Owen (and any other children we might have) at least until he starts elementary school. I am toying with the idea of trying to find an online position so that I can stay current on my writing while staying home with Owen. I want to make sure that I stay marketable and up-to-date so that I am prepared when I do decide to return to work.

But first, I have to get through this last semester and walk across that stage. It's going to be a busy few months, but I am looking forward to it. Last semester was a beast, so hopefully this one will not be as stressful. Of course a lot of that also had to do with a family emergency I experienced toward the middle of the semester. My emotional and physical health have been through a roller coaster ride since this past summer, so I am hopeful things will be looking up in these upcoming months.

So far, I am trying to start this semester off optimistically. Now, I just need the rest of my life to get on board so I can keep up my positive attitude. Go me! You can do it!

No More Figurative Rain, Please

You know the saying, "When it rains, it pours?" Well, over the past four years I have gotten to know this saying very well, especially this semester. Like most people, I have experienced some pretty hard times before, and have lost some wonderful people in my life. Although I am familiar with heartbreak and death, it still never gets any easier.

Since 2007, when I decided to go to college, I have had endless trials and stress come my way. With love and support of friends and family I have managed to get through thus far. However, this semester has been one of the most trying that I have yet to experience. I have struggled with my health and with balancing motherhood and marriage on top of maintaining my GPA. Although I have had some rough times, this week has topped them all.

Monday afternoon, after discovering that it is quite likely that I could graduate this May afterall, my world was rocked with the dramatic news that my brother is really sick. At first his doctor was convinced it was appendicitis and a CT scan showed that he also had a serious infection that needed to be taken care of immediately. After three hours in surgery, my family started to realize that this wasn't your usual case of appendicitis. The surgeon informed my parents that what he was dealing with was not appendicitis at all. There was a large growth wrapped around my brother's appendix that had also attached itself to his back muscles and colon. The surgeon and his team had tried to remove the growth, but because it was also attached to a major artery, he could only remove so much.

The surgeon then informed my parents and my brother's wife that it was possible that this growth was cancerous, but he was not sure since he had never seen something like this before. The pathologist had taken several slides of the growth and it was being sent across the country for opinions from the surgeon's colleauges. In addition to this, it was also discovered that Aaron, my brother, also had a tumor on one of his kidneys.

We were all stunned. My brother is 31 years-old, and this was the last thing any of has had expected when they wheeled him into the operating room. Of course, the doctor said this was just the worst case scenario, but hearing those words would bring anyone to their knees.

My mom has spent this week being the main support for our family. My sister-in-law has been understandably hysterical through this whole event and has not been able to take care of their two kids, ages 2 and 7. My husband and I have been taking care of the kids in addition to our 1 year-old. Tuesday was the worst day for me because I was not able to go up to the hospital because children are not allowed in ICU, so I was stuck at home with Owen and my imagination, which usually gets me into trouble emotionally. My mom was busy at the hospital and informing the rest of the family about the situation, so I was not informed of the latest details until later that night. By then, I had completely lost my composure. I had not been able to see my brother and it was causing me to lose my mind.

I finally got to see my brother for a few minutes on Wednesday. He looks pretty good for a guy who just had major surgery. He is on a Demerol drip, so he was not able to stay awake very long. All I could do was stand in the corner of the room and stare at him. My brother has always been the big strong guy who rarely got sick. Seeing him in a hospital bed with a tube coming out of his nose was very shocking for me. I couldn't stop thinking of us as two rowdy kids.

Today the test results of his biopsy came back a day early. Turns out that the growth is thankfully not cancerous. It looks like he might have a severe case of Chron's disease, but we won't know for sure until some further testing can be done. He is still suspectible to other infections so these tests will not be able to be done for another week or so. The doctors do not want to prod around in his body anymore until he is completely healed. Which leads me to the tumor on his kidney. The surgeon believes it is benign, but also due to his infection, it will be a while before a biopsy can be done on that growth.

This week has been such an emotional roller coaster ride for all of us. It has been hard enough, as his sister, to experience the feelings I have been going through, so I cannot imagine what my mom and sister-in-law have been going through. The kids have been taken care of, and they are doing great. My nephew, who is 7, knows something is going on and has been asking a lot of questions. My brother has been moved out of ICU today, so hopefully we can get Bryson up there to see his daddy at some point. I can't stand seeing the worry on his little face.

Hopefully there will be no more surprises this semester. I am really close to running down the street screaming and tearing my hair out. I appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers that everyone has sent my family's way during this trying time. It is impossible to survive through tough times without support.

Puppy

I always knew that raising a child would be hard work, but I never knew exactly how hard it could be at times. It seems to be that the things that seem so trivial are actually the things that are the hardest emotionally. If you had told me years ago that I would be crying over a stuffed animal, I would have laughed in disbelief.

Owen has a stuffed puppy named "Puppy." That dog goes everywhere with him, sleeps with him, comforts him, and entertains him by enduring intensive abuse. Puppy has been swimming in the pool, plunged in the toilet, covered in peanut butter and sticky candy goo, and launced full force out of a crib at high speeds. If I were this toy, I would have ran away a long time ago. However, as mean as he can be to Puppy, Owen loves him dearly. Whenever he is upset, hurt or sleepy, it is Puppy who is always there to comfort him.

The first time Owen grabbed Puppy, nestled him into his arms and rolled over on his tummy to go to sleep, my husband and I looked at each other and said, "Ahhhhh!" It was the sweetest moment we had experienced as parents. Well, one of the many. Seeing your child love someone or something else is a wonderful, human experience. For one thing, it shows that this "sometimes little monster" truly does have feelings.

This past Thursday evening turned out to be a very emotional time for our family. I have been through some very hard times in my life, but this was the first time that I had to experience my child truly suffering, and it was very difficult for me. It may sound silly, since it was over Owen's Puppy, but I realized that when it comes to my child and his emotional well-being, nothing is silly when he is suffering.

That Thursday night, Puppy had the horrible experience of having his face eaten off by one of my mom's dogs. Owen found him and, being confused, starting pulling the stuffing out of his face. My mom, stepdad and I all yelled, knowing the implications of this event. Our shouts caused Owen to cry. I picked up Puppy and his remains as I surveyed the damage. One eye was till intact, and I was able to locate the other, along with part of his nose and most of the stuffing. One of his ears had been ripped in two, and there was a huge gaping hole where his little smiling face once had been. This was not good. I hid the body and parts until my mom could perform surgery.

At dinner, we were all upset about Puppy. We all knew how important he was to Owen, and we wondered how well he would sleep that night. After dinner, as I got Owen ready to go home, we all participated in distracting him so he wouldn't begin asking for Puppy. This worked until I began strapping him into his carseat and he became upset and started fighting with me. "Puppy! Puppy!" My heart sank. "Puppy's at the doctor, honey. He will be back tomorrow," was all I could say. The ride home was excruciating, listening to him call out Puppy's name while he cried all the way home.

When we got home, he looked for Puppy everywhere. Apparently, I keep everything in my purse because he even looked for him in my purse. He ran into his room and looked in his crib, on the rocking chair, on the changing table, under the changing table, everywhere he could think of. I had two stuffed dogs that my mom had given me years ago. I grabbed those hoping that he would accept them for the night, and he did. He smiled and hugged the two toys as he gripped them tightly to him. I thought I had fixed everything and that he would be okay without Puppy.

Although, he accepted these two new dogs, he had not forgotten his true friend. As soon as I went to lay him down in his crib, he immediately remembered that Puppy was gone and he began crying uncontrollably and calling his name. I held Owen closely to me and tried to calm him, but nothing worked. I had never seen him so upset before. I could not console him, and there was nothing left for me to do but to put him in his crib and leave the room. I shut his door and listened to him cry for over thirty minutes for Puppy. It was horrible. I stood on the other side of his door and began to cry. I was not crying for Puppy, but for my son's pain at missing his best friend. Eventually, Owen stopped crying and was able to go to sleep.

My mother, the miracle worker, performed reconstructive surgery on Puppy's face that night, and he made it through. The surgery went wonderfully and, although Puppy now only has one eye, my mom was able to salvage most of his nose, repair the hole and stitch up his split ear. At first she was afraid she would have to do some fur grafting in order to have enough material to patch up the hole, but she was able to mend the wound without having to do so. Despite the trauma, Puppy looks great. That poor dog has been through so much in his little life.

The next morning, when he arrived at my mom's house, Owen was glad to see his Puppy. Immediately, he knew something was different, and he began touching his nose and examining him. At first he rejected his new face, but after a few minutes he ran back and grabbed him up in his little arms and acted as if the night before had not happened.

I am so glad that Puppy's face was able to be saved, and that we are able to get back to normal. Now, my family and I have decided that we have to be more aware of exactly where Puppy is at so that this does not happen again. Friday night, we ate dinner with Puppy on the table right where we could see him. I cannot take another emotional night listening to my child's sobs while I feel helpless.

Of course, I know this will not be the last time that I have to see Owen in pain, but at least this time it was over his beloved ragged Puppy and not some carless girl who has broken his heart. Hopefully I've got a little while before that happens.

No Such Thing as Spare Time

I have been so busy this semester that my couponing hobby has suffered. I have not been able to keep up with my filing, deal searching and clipping and it bothers the heck out of me. I hate knowing that I am missing awesome deals that I may never see again. I have a good stockpile of groceries and toiletries that I accumulated over the summer, so it's not like I really need anything, but it still bothers me that I am not able to keep up with this hobby that I really enjoy.

I'm sure this sounds pretty weird, but I am addicted to saving money. There is nothing better than scoring the latest deal, especially when I can get items for super cheap or free. And there is no better feeling than having a stocked pantry and knowing that my family's basic needs will be taking care of for the next few months without me having to make huge budget-breakage runs to the grocery store.

I can't wait until I graduate, because then I will be able to devote more time to couponing. The heavy homework load I have keeps me from spending much time on deal searching. Couponing may seem silly, but it is actually a rewarding yet time-consuming past time. To get the best savings, it requires hours of work each week searching for coupons, sales, the best deals and matching coupons to those sales. It's actually a lot of work and takes a lot of time that I don't have right now.

This semester I have only been able to coupon occasionally. I am still saving the weekly inserts from the paper, but I am unable to organize them. My inserts are piled all over the kitchen table, in baskets on the kitchen floor and in my car. This unorganization is driving me nuts and it's causing me to miss out on some great deals.

I guess all I can do is hope that I will be able to catch up on some coupon organizing and deal-scoring during the Christmas break. My stockpile will start dwindling soon so I will need to start stocking up again before our supply dwindles.

Oh well. I guess I will just add this to my ever-growing list of things I need to do and things I would like to do. My list doesn't seem to be getting shorter any time soon.

Come on, Christmas Break

It is now November and this semester is close to being over. Where did it go? It seemed like it just started. At this point, I do not personally feel like I've accomplished much. I feel like this semester has been nothing but non-stop butt-kicking work. I cannot wait until the holiday break to spend time with family and get some rest.

The holidays will most likely be spent binge-eating seasonal dishes of sugary goodness with a side of fatty yet delicious heaven. Oh, and I plan on getting a lot of sleep. My goal is to do absolutely nothing during the break so that I can recharge for the spring semester.

Hopefully my family will be on board with this plan, because I'm going to need someone to watch Owen so that I can accomplish all of this fabulous sleep. I guess the better statement would be that I hope Owen is on board with this plan because this "lots of sleep" issue will ultimately be up to him.

My overall goal within the remaining weeks of 2011 is to get out of this semester alive and with good grades, watch my son have a ball at Christmas, visit with family and just be lazy. Even if Owen doesn't let me get much sleep, as long as he will eventually lie down beside me or bounce around on the bed while I'm resting and listening to his infectious laugh, everything will turn out okay. In the big scheme of things, that is all that I need.

Growing Up

I think my husband and I have been trying to ignore the fact that Owen is growing up and getting bigger. Yesterday, I received a startling text message from Adam while I was in class. "Owen climbed out of his crib and woke me up this morning." What?! Oh crap. I was hoping that this day wouldn't come any time soon.

I now have one more thing to worry about. Now I will be thinking about Owen falling out of his crib and coming into our room in the middle of the night, or worse, when we are catching some rest while he is supposed to be napping. This is not a good thing.

And to add to this, we have also gotten Owen his own potty. We are not technically potty training, but we wanted to get him a potty so he could get used to it. He is so fascinated by the big potty that we thought it might be a good idea to get him his own so he can "go" like mommy and daddy. The first time he sat on it, I almost cried, and Adam and I clapped and took pictures. Of course, his pants and diaper were still on, but we were still so proud of him. Owen got a big grin on his face and clapped along with us.

I am just so afraid that I am going to miss things with him because I am always so busy with school. I really wish I could slow things down so I can make sure and have more time with him. The realization that he is now getting out of his crib really took me by surprise today. I forgot that he is almost two years-old, and that he is getting to the age where escaping from his room is possible.

I try to tell myself that once I graduate next fall I will be able to spend more time with him, but I just think about the precious moments I could miss until then. All I can do is try to make more time for him and to really pay attention when I am spending time with him.

I really just wish he would stop growing up so fast, especially because I really enjoy my rest time when he's "napping."