Under Pressure

Well, I finally did it; I cracked under the pressure of 16-hours of classes, raising a child, maintaining a marriage and trying to find a little time for myself. I guess the good thing is that I did not spontaneously combust. However, sobbing uncontrollably into my husband's arms while feeling physically and emotionally miserable is not really my idea of a "good thing."

My breakdown was actually my own fault. In addition to having such a heavy load this semester, I have not been eating well or taking care of myself. I rarely work out, and I eat nothing but crap. I have known that I was pushing myself to the limit, but yet I still continued down this unhealthy path. Why do I do these things to myself? Is it possible that I am subconsciously attracted to drama? Or maybe I want to self-destruct so that I will no longer have so much responsibility.

As I told someone last week, I feel as if my mind and body are involved in a no-disqualifications wrestling match with guilt occasionally tagging in. I am struggling with successfully dividing my time between each of my roles, and I feel as if I am suffocating beneath a blanket of stress.

Although I am completely overwhelmed, I know that I am not alone. I am lucky to have a wonderful support system in my family, friends, classmates and professors. Without this support, I would be struggling much more than I am now. I also have a good doctor who is assisting me in getting back on track with my physical health.


I am confident that I am being pretty candid right now. Emotional breakdowns are not things that people normally like to talk about, but I guess everyone feels the squeeze from the pressure of life every now and then. Talking about emotions in public seems to be considered taboo or a social no-no. Maybe if emotions were more accepted by society, especially the emotions of women, there wouldn't be such guilt and shame when life seems to become a little tough to handle. If displaying emotions were more acceptable, perhaps more people would reach out when they are over their heads instead of turning to drastic measures.

So writing this post is my way of speaking up. I am willing to use my voice (via writing skills) to let others know that life is tough and sometimes we fall, but it is okay to cry and to ask for help. We all fall sometimes, even if no one ever talks about it.